And Then My Heart Broke

Nugget and I were sitting at the table, happily painting wooden princess figures. She was all smiles, giggles, and jokes! Part of what surprises and amazes us about this little girl is her strength, joy, and ability to persevere through all that she has had to endure.

She had just squeezed a new color from the acrylic tube to put the final touches on Rapunzel's bright pink dress when she stopped. Immediately, and with seemingly no catalyst, she put the tube down, lay her paintbrush on the plate, turned saideways in the chair (facing away from me), and pulled her feet to her chest and put her head in her knees. She fell silent.

I had no idea what was going on, but knew that somewhere deep inside this little one, there was a real pain that had to come to the surface. I put my hand on her back and asked, “What's wrong?”.

“ I don't know. I can't talk about it.” She said through sniffles.

We sat quietly for a while as I strokes her back and ran my fingers through your hair. “You are safe. You can tell me anything when you're ready. I love you.” Those words of affirmation flew out of my mouth quicker than I even knew what was happening.

I then asked if she wanted to go somewhere private and quiet and talk. She agreed and led me up the stairs to my room and sat on the bed. She put her head in my lap and cried for a few minutes before she sat up, looked me in the eyes, and recounted story after story of her birth mother.

I will not share details, because hers is not my story to share, but she told me some very difficult things.

The only response that I had in her time of pain was love, acceptances, and reassurance. I know that I cannot change or fix what happened to her (but I do wish with all of my heart that I could!). I told her that we (Mama and Papa) would be here - always. We will never leave. She is always safe here. We will always love her.

She looked at me and reiterated the theme of my statements in a zone word question.

“Always?”

It pierces my heart to understand that this question is loaded and full of history and pain. I wish with my whole self that I could bear this for her and take away the hurt and the fear.

But this one is hers to bear.

As much as it pains me to see her in pain and to know that I cannot undo it, I know that it is my role to equip and empower her. To be there consistently, to fill her bucket with more years than no's, to provide an example of strength and courage, to provide space for weeping and mourning, to point her to Jesus as her one and only savior.

This is my role. And I am learning that it is not an easy one. To mend a broken heart is something only our Lord can do, but I can let His light shine through me.

I pray for her everyday. I pray for her processing of the past, I pray for her future, I pray for her health, I pray for her relationships, I pray for her husband and her children, I pray for her to find her strength and hope in the Lord.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” - Jeremiah 29:11

I lean on these promises.