Why Does it Have to be This Way?

It’s been tough. Really tough.

But I think that the reason that it has been the most difficult is that recently things have been going very well. Our family is in a routine. The girls are being homeschooled by a friend. I was scheduled to go and fundraise in the United States. My mom and Grandmother were coming here to meet the girls and help out.

Everything was going well.

Then, the global pandemic of the Coronavirus.

Then, the denial of the renewal of Steven’s temporary residence permit.

And even the small things. I had a severe case of strep throat, Steven had the flu, and then strep, and now a cold. Amelia had a cut on her finger that got infected. Rowan has an ear infection that won’t go away.

And it all came at one time.

The stress of a last minute decision to cancel my trip, spending multiple days fighting for Steven’s right to stay in the country while simultaneously preparing for deportation, standing in hour long lines just to get yelled at and be told they cant help us; that stress is oh so real.

Realizing that the denial of Steven’s document is at the fault of the government “accidentally deleting a web page”.

All the while feeling guilty that we have had to arrange for a few days of almost all day childcare for two kids who are dealing with attachment issues and who aren’t sure that we will return.

And then there’s the finances. Medicine for all of us (antibiotics, ear drops, antibacterial solution, continued antiretroviral therapy) 4+ doctors appointments in one week, including consultations with the ENT and pediatrician, the loss of potential funding from the States (we’re in serious need of more than double our current yearly salary just to cover basic expenses and to educate our children) ..

…the list goes on.

My mind is racing. This is tough. “Why does it have to be this way?” I ask myself.

But then my sweet, innocent, been through too much already, wise beyond her years, little nine year old princess asks, “Mom, why is this happening?”

I stop. I breathe. And I think.

I know that my response will set the tone for her.

This little girl, my Amelia, is asking the same question that I am and while my question had gone unanswered, hers could not.

I took a moment to ask the Holy Spirit to take over because I did not have the words to combat her question. But when I opened my mouth, the words came out with confidence.

“I don’t know”, I said. And I was honest, very honest. “I don’t know why all of this is happening. I don’t know why I can’t go raise money for our family. I don’t know why Babushka and Prababushka can’t come. I don’t know why they’re telling Papa to leave. I don’t know when he will be able to come back.

But Amelia, there are and will always be a lot of things in life that we don’t know. There will be many unanswered questions and many things that we do not understand. But instead of focusing on knowing why, we can focus on knowing that even when we don’t understand or don’t know the answers, God knows. And we can trust that He is good and that He is working all things for our good. Sweet girl, we don’t need to be afraid because we are secure in His love and are always taken care of.”

I didn’t expect my own answer, but I am glad that it came out of my mouth. My own words to my child pierced through deep down into my heart and filled me with the peace that I was hoping to give to her.

And it is all so true.

This is such a hard time for our family. We are frustrated, confused, sad, upset, angry, and tired. And I’m not going to say that I have peace INSTEAD of those feelings (and I believe that is a good thing because it is good to feel and it is right to feel), but over it all – covering like a blanket, is peace.

I thank God for her curious little mind. It took her questioning and seeking comfort for me to find the same thing.

It is still tough, and probably will be tough. What’s happening to us right now does not make sense, and it is confusing, frustrating, angering, and tiring.

But we will be alright.